wow. this is. just too much.

this is how it feels to get your period after 3 months of not having it.
i've been super emotional this past few days,
getting all teary-eyed at the smallest of details...
(like yesterday i was walking alone along katipunan, and i saw this street kid, walking alone on tattered slippers, carrying a plastic bag with books in it. and i got all teary-eyed coz no kid deserves to experience poverty like this. it got me into thinking about the Philippine economy, and. blah)
and i'm so stressed, not because i have so much to do, but because i have no idea how to continue studying, to even start reviewing my philo thesis statements.

this is a tell-all.

i went to starbucks today, and it was half empty. i'm not surprised. after all, it is the last day of the semester. and it is the start of everyone's semestral break. not mine. i still have until wednesday till my semester officially ends. my philo orals are on tuesday, and i have a physio fieldtrip to the mental hospital on wednesday.

don't even get me started on physio. we just had our final examinations this afternoon. and it was probably the hardest test i've ever taken in my whole college life. i guessed on more than half of the 160 item test. and get this. the first half of the exam, 80 items was identification. sure, sir provided us with a list of terms for the 80 item identification test. but. in the list, there were 180 TERMS. ONE HUNDRED EIGHTY TERMS and we had to identify only 80 of them. i don't want to explain further anymore.

it was a depressing day, i went back to starbucks to meet up with gar, and then ate belgian waffles, hung out and then went home. bummed around. until it finally sunk in.


i'm really not going home.

the dorm is empty now, there are probably 2 to 3 dormers left, but God knows till when. for the rest of the semester, i will be alone in the dorm. going home to my 3 channel tv, relying on my laptop, living on fastfood and do nothing.

it's just depressing whenever i see the word "alone", i FEEL it.
and it's not funny.

it's not funny that my philo orals are on tuesday, and that i still have to go to that field trip just to save my grade. it's not funny that i'm on the brink of probation because i don't think i did well this semester. it's really not funny.

sure, i have rehearsals. i'll be with people i love to be with, i'll hang out with fun people. rehearsals will always be a fun experience, i'm so sure of that. everyday will be something new. no doubt about that.

but after that, i'll go home. alone. with my tv. laptop. lie down and think about the things i could be doing if i went home. i'd be going out everyday, come home to my siblings and my family, play with them and stay up talking about anything. wake up and play with them again, watch movies, go swimming, and etc. i'd go out with friends, party with them, drink, come home to my siblings who are waiting for me, and then sleep.

i could just imagine everyday of my life just like that. i'm not saying it's boring, it's. sad.

and i've been asking myself if staying was all worth it.
if you do know me, i'm not and was never used to being ALONE.

the silence in my dorm room is defeaning. God knows how long will i be able to stand it.

and everytime this dilemma, this depression happens, i always tell myself "go out and eat whatever you want. you deserve it. to make up for the stress."

well. food isn't going to take me anywhere. i want to stop eating. i want to stop making it a habit, a remedy for stress. i'm just tired of eating. i'm just tired of crying. i'm tired.




maybe i'm feeling this way right now because of the crazy hormonal imbalance in my body after not getting my period for about 3 months, or maybe i'm just stressed that my semestral break isn't starting yet, or the fact that it will never happen. or maybe i'm just depressed because it's sembreak and everyone's out on the beaches, partying, on vacation, out of the country, with their families and stuff, while i'm stuck here, all alone in my dorm room.



and tomorrow, i'm going to record a radio play with my org with the jesuits at 10am. despite the fact that i haven't started on my thesis statements yet, i agreed to go because even if i do wake up early and plan to study philo, i won't be able to. so i might as well utilize my time and do something like the recording thing to de-stress. sigh.


at this point, i really really don't care anymore. i don't care if i can give my prof the right explanations to the thesis statements, i don't care if i don't pass that physio finals. at this point i really want to go home. ugh.



i'm depressed.

and if you think i am capable of doing something stupid just because i'm depressed.. hey, i'm a psych major. i know better than to make final decisions when i'm highly emotional. journaling is a therapy.

i'm getting there.

whattaday!

i don't think i can take much more depression in my life, because:
1. it's unhealthy
2. it's expensive
3. it makes me think.
(4. oh and it hurts. you'll see why, later)

September 22, 2008. Today is probably the most unusual day i've ever had in my college life. Aside from the unexpected and "depressing" (but not anymore now) news, i think. i've seen the things that can happen to me when i feel this way.

After pouring out the negative feelings, i went back to the dorm to change into comfortable clothes, and went to the mvp basement to meet up with jika and gabby. dolly went with us too. we went to eastwood ("EASE"wood) just to eat ice cream. just because we needed the "comfort" from this comfort food, badly. that trip away from the "real" world was just a fun ride. thank you jika, gabby and dolly. our short trip to "fantasy" world was the best. i couldn't think of a better way to spend it, than with you guys. :) kahit iniiwan na tayo ng taxi (pati ba naman taxi umaayaw sa atin? haha) mahal na mahal ko kayo. :)

i felt so much better after. i heart you all.
(special mention to jose antonio tanjuan, thank you)

so why is being depressed unhealthy.

1. IT IS UNHEALTHY.
we were only planning to splurge on ice cream. dairy queen. BUT NO. we ate lots of stuff.
- dairy queen.. brownie temptation without nuts, 16oz for me. always works.
- gabby's new york fries and lotsa dips...
- jika's green candy sourtapes..
all the unhealthy stuff we can think of. now, my stomach really really hurts, i don't know if my period is coming up after two months of being absent, or it's just because of everything bad i ate. well. i felt good after. so.

i guess it was okay.

2. IT IS EXPENSIVE. why.
- dairyqueen. wooh. spending p90 on a calorie-rich, sinfully fattening brownie temptation is just expensive. i promised i wouldn't spend over p500 this week. but no. i did. today.
- i have a new buddy. in my bed. for the past week, aside from Dora, Aleia and Teddy, someone arrived: Chip. Chip is condom's toy. He asked me if i could keep chip for the meantime, because his parents might think of things when he brings this huge thing home. so. every morning this is what i see.

but i have a new friend. he's not as big as chip, but he sure makes me happy. :) his name is "bebi" inside joke, but bebi is a character from the play i'm in. :)

- and because i was depressed. i shopped. i bought this dress, and when i put it on when i got home, i didn't like how it looked on me. so i'm planning to sell it. if interested, email me at mynameistimeeandiamneat@yahoo.com, it's P300 (L=31.5in, W=15.5in)


3. IT MAKES ME THINK.
well. do i have to explain this. i don't think i can talk about it openly in here, but i just want to say that everything that had just happened made me think if everything was worth it, if i was good enough, if i was waley, if i was doing anything to make my life better, i don't know. i have just thought of a lot of things today, it made my head hurt. really.

4. IT HURTS.
look what i got.


the last time i had my ears pierced was when i was in 2nd year highschool. i was forced to take it off because my school didn't permit extra piercings. and then. there. ask dolly how hard i held his hand. AHAHA

maybe. it was because. the pain i felt hurt more than how much ear-piercing hurt. (aw emo)







but i guess, i'm okay now. i just needed to understand everything. it'll take time to digest it really, but soon, i'll be fine. whew. *breathes deeply*

i can do this.